he is so beautiful

he is so beautiful

but i did not see it until i closed my eyes and all

and i heard him pray with words celestial

not with worry not tempermental

not that the outside is not fine

but the inside was close to divine

for what is housed in his heart

was observed almost like art

it came to me a masterpiece starting

as a plate with paint filled pegs sparkling

on a summer day a mushy hot mess

to see it transform after a brush stroke and guess

into reality something i saw with my soul

a mature old soul

mecifully placed

in an empty young rebellious case

you were stopped at the moment

you thought your goals were being kept

but when you decided to take things into

your own hands and present you to

the world, God squeezed your heart and you fell

only to have Him lift you up and you could tell

you knew fairly well

that you were protected from the gates of hell

he is quite special and has been touched

by the Almighty Father and pretty much

nothing will stop him

except him

he cannot stop

and should not stop

because he has come too far now

to even question how

God has taken him so far

and from his past placed afar

to the spiritually discerned the beauty within

outshines and wins

the beauty from out

that without a doubt

is there

but where

does it fit in the scheme

of his life in the scene

of the moment

i saw with my eyes, shut and all

that he is so beautiful

(c)November 21, 2007 / Leticia Soto

Get A Clue!

I wish people would get a clue. I mean if you are cut off and have never been added again, then hello that means I do not want you to have any part in my life. I mean come on! I do not respond to any means of you trying to communicate with me. So why do you insist on trying to involve yourself back in my life? You bacame toxic in my life and I could not breathe. The funny thing is that I did not realize this until you were the one who pulled the plug on me. I never pulled it. You did. So deal with your decision. I noticed that I was able to breathe on my own and that I was your life support. You sucked me dry of all my energies like a leech.

The past was nice and there are good memories, but that is just it. It is only a good memory. I can't say that I have anything else nor would I want to. What does it take for you to get a clue? I get the clue! Of course I do not like to assume and I rather have people tell me that they are cutting me off than finding out via other means (like just dropping me and never telling me what you are mad about or me trying to figure it out by myself). However, once I figured it out, I kept my distance and moved on. It hurt, yes but it did not kill me.

So that is all I ask. I want you to leave me the heck alone and stop trying to be nice. I do not want you to be nice. Just be you. Let me be just me.

For the record, I do not hate you. Not at all. I love God and myself and my salvation too much to lose any of it because of a bitter root. No. I still love you in the Lord and only wish you the best. However, I have a scar of a healed wound caused by you that is a constant reminder that I should not "go there". So I will not "go there". It is that simple. And don't give me that mumbo jumbo about being a Christian. Paul is one of the greatest examples I love in the bible. He had a very close relationship with the Lord. However he and Barnabas did not see eye to eye and they had to part ways. They dealt with each other later on after time passed but it was never the same as it was in the beginning.


So do not go there. Do not bother yourself in telling me how happy you are for me. I am really not interested. Sounds cold? Well to a certain extent it is cold. Your caring is not really a priority in my list. It is really not important for me to know because wether you do or you don't makes no impact in my life. Life goes on and so should you.

If I see you I most like will say, "Well hello. Nice seeing you again. Hope is well and take care. Bye". That is it. There will be no coffee or lunch date. That no longer will benefit us.

You became toxic and I wanted to live. Too bad that cutting you off was the end result. Again, life goes on and so should you.

I love you in a place where there's no space or time. I love you for in my life you are a friend of mine.

Donny Hathaway - A Song for You

A Song For You (Live @ The Troubador, Los Angeles, CA) - Donny Hathaway

I've been so many places in my life and time
I've sung a lot of songs I've made some bad rhyme
I've acted out my love in stages
With ten thousand people watching
But we're alone now and I'm singing this song for you

I know your image of me is what I hope to be
I've treated you unkindly but darlin' can't you see
There's no one more important to me
Darlin' can't you please see through me
Cause we're alone now and I'm singing this song for you

You taught me precious secrets of the truth witholding nothing
You came out in front and I was hiding
But now I'm so much better and if my words don't come together
Listen to the melody cause my love is in there hiding

I love you in a place where there's no space or time
I love you for in my life you are a friend of mine
And when my life is over
Remember when we were together
We were alone and I was singing this song for you

You taught me precious secrets of the truth witholding nothing
You came out in front and I was hiding
But now I'm so much better and if my words don't come together
Listen to the melody cause my love is in there hiding

I love you in a place where there's no space or time
I love you for in my life you are a friend of mine
And when my life is over
Remember when we were together
We were alone and I was singing this song for you
We were alone and I was singing this song for you

I am still not perfect. Yet I am most definitely experiencing GRACE.

One of my dear friends texted me one morning, "the true test of character is not how much we know how to do, but how we behave when we don’t know what to do".

I have always told my youth in my church and ones that I have worked with that most of the time I am pretty focused under pressure. Note I said most of the time. So don’t be getting your duff in a fluff because I took care of that already; I know that we are not all perfect. I wrote in a different blog, “Wall Flower”. I may post it here too so you can further understand what I mean. Anyway, I'm free stylin’ again. Scrolling through my text messages saw the quote and "pow" inspiration to just write down my thoughts.

So back to the quote. I like it and it is true. Why did I mention my church group? Well a bunch of us were in a car going to the Bronx. I for once was not driving - woo hoo! I drive but I hate driving. Too many people have taken advantage of my kindness, car and driving, Anyway, “Geez, girl stay on the topic”, the quote.

We stopped at Dunkin Donuts first to get coffee. Well the driver did. I stayed in the car with the others. I wanted to put my seat straight up (I had shot-gun) because I hate it when it is leaning a bit back. I can’t tell if I am sitting or lying down and the uncertainty goes against all manners of just relaxing and enjoying the ride. So one of my younger jovenes helped me. It was a big project. I had to open my door, pull here, pull there, adjust and finally the seat was at the perfect angle (or not) that made me feel like we were going for a nice ride. The young person closes the door and an immense pain and rush of blood ran to the tip of my ring and middle finger. I had huge drops of tears rolling down my face as I stated in a slow and extremely articulated voice, "open the door quickly, and open the door now". The kid eventually heard me and as she opened the door she and another person was screaming to the top of their lungs as if their fingers were being crushed. The 4th person almost passed out. After the scare, the wiping of my tears and the driver returning, all was quite.

All of a sudden the person who screamed the loudest stated, "Letty I saw in your face that you were in extreme pain but you stayed calm and did not yell". I started to laugh. The kid who crushed my fingers kept saying, "I am so sorry, I am so sorry". The other person who almost passed out stated, "WOW, talk about calm in the midst of trial". Again I was cracking up. I told them I was in a lot of pain and that I all I wanted was my fingers to be free. Determination was my ammunition. That my message would get across was life or death. Talk about grace under pressure. If anyone has ever had their hand slammed with a car door, you surely understand that pressure -- literally.

Side note: my nails did not turn black and despite the slight tenderness in the fingers, I am fine and my nails look cute.

This reminded me of when my dad had a stroke while we were on vacation a few years back. I saw my dad sick and just said to him in a calm analytical voice, “Papi, I think you are having a stroke". But he could not talk and right before my eyes his mouth twisted down to the side and his arm got stiff. Then off course you know the running to the hospital and finding one near a beach resort is not that easy. When I got there I went straight to the window just to be pulled by a loud Jamaican lady cursing up a storm claiming that I cut her in “de line”. I let her scream as the in-take clerk observed. She was ranting and raving on how she had an emergency and that she was there first and I waited until she was done. When she was done I asked the clerk if I could speak and she nodded. I said in the most (again) articulate and slow speech, "My dad is in the middle of a stroke". I saw that clerk fly out of her chair and immediately place my dad on a stretcher as he was rolled into the emergency care area. I am glad I was there for my father.

Lesson: you get more flies with honey than with vinegar. A stroke is of the utmost importance, so you need to get that message across loud and clear.

I had my character attacked at different stages of my life. I think we all go through that. However, there was one time in my life that it was attacked so unjustly and so cruel. It was like a blow you never saw coming and it knocked the wind out of you. This punch was so hard that I lost ALL trust in fellow man. Assumptions and lies and rumors and such things definitely fade away when they are so stretched from reality. The other day I found this quote. Note sure who said it but here it goes, “Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are”.

When the smoke clears you can see everything. After a storm hits you see the debris on the beach. Though there is no more smoke and the garbage is cleaned up, you still feel a sense of need to yell at the top of your lungs, "I told you so! I told you so". But deep in your heart you feel the tug of God telling you "be still and know that I am". But you want to say something. You do not want to seem like a punk. The Holy Spirit brings to remembrance the biblical concepts and truth that He fights all of our battles and that He is like a mighty giant beside us fight along our side in each battle. You remember that the scripture states that He pulls you out of the miry clay (rumors), out of the deep pit (lies) and cleans you up and places you upon the rock (JESUS). God is the one who places a new song in our mouth and through that testimony, not your words or defense or debate or explanation or reasoning, but the testimony that God makes you experience, will be seen by many and lead them to come and truly know God and fear Him.

I sincerely did not know what to do in each case. I never had my fingers slammed. I never have seen a person go through a stroke. I never saw that storm come - it just hit. Yet, with God’s help I was able to behave in a manner that led me to figure out what to do (and what NOT to do).

I am still not perfect. Yet I am most definitely experiencing GRACE.

I Get Kids! I really do.

I had such a beautiful day today. I woke up earlier than my nephews and sneaked onto their bed (the sofa bed in the living room) to wish them a good morning. Rare act for me because I am not a morning person. But you know what? Lately I have been having less and less "I am not a morning person" days. I am telling you, since my healing I see so many different things in my life. I think the prayers from those who were interceding for my healing were so abundant that they are still flowing in with blessings in my life.

Anyway, Itty Bitty was knocked-out. I was poking and touching his ears and his nose and all of the tickle spots but he would not wake up. Bubi his older brother stated that when he sleeps like that there is nothing to wake him. So I did what I do best. I gave him a snugly hug and said "Wake up Bitty, wake up!Tity is hungry and she wants to eat breakfast. If you do not wake up, I will eat you instead". Then Bitty gave a big stretch and opened his eyes. I quickly said, "Good morning baby face". And he said with the most biggest and sweetest smile, "Good morningTity". So after doing a kids devotional in English and in Spanish (per Grandma's specifications) and prayed we had breakfast.

This morning Bitty prayed in his own words. Don't get me wrong. He prays daily. But he prays by memory or by repeating what the adult is telling him to say. I started it off and said, "OK keep talking to Jesus". He said, "I can't". I said, "What do you mean you can't? Yes you can! Just tell Jesus what you always tell him but in you own words. Just mention the people as you remember them". He stared at me for a few seconds and carefully started to speak. He said a wonderful prayer and I could tell that he loves his family very much. We need to encourage kids to express in their own way what they feel in their heart to God. I hope I will be a good mom if I ever get to be one.

Later on we had breakfast as usual. Then the boys practice their musical instruments. Bubi was on the piano and he is doing an excellent job. He can sit for hours and hours and just play non-stop. Bitty on the other hand, hates practice. I did too when I was little. Grandma kept insisting in a very firm tone (not yelling) at him that he was not going to play on the computer unless he practices. She made him cry and well that was not going to motivate him at all to play his guitar. Now I have to be clear in that in no way was she being mean at all. She was playing the role of the strong and firm disciplinarian. He just sat quietly until his tears started to roll down his face. They both wanted to be heard but neither of them were listening. I proceeded to take him to the bathroom so he could tell me in "secret" what was wrong. See he and I are best friends so we tell each other secrets. He told me that he really did not want to practice. Duh, I knew that. But of course he was trying to tell grandma and she was not listening. Results were unproductive. My mother tried to stop me from what I was doing and I was very much annoyed. I told her, "I know what I am doing". She defended herself, "I know what I am doing too". I replied, "Let me do what I am doing. You want him to practice and I will get him to do that. He is too upset right now to do anything". She did not respond to that.

In the bathroom I spoke to Bitty and told him to go wash his face and cool off because if his Daddy saw him like that he would be sad. So he washed his faced and I got him to smile. I explained that he had to listen to grandma's wishes and that really there was no way he would be able to play in the computer if he did not play his guitar. I encouraged him to play 3 songs. He did exactly 3 songs. I looked away to laugh when he said he was done because I just knew he was gong to do that. I said he did a great job and convinced him to do a song that is one of my favorites that he plays. He got motivated and did just that and he got to play on the computer. We found a new game and he taught me how to play it. He is a 7 year old genius.

Everybody wins, right? I do not know why my mother has such a hard time understanding that I understand Bitty. He shuts down like me when not being heard. I love my mom very much. She does so much for me. But I do not understand why she thinks I do not know how to deal with or discipline a child. I get kids. I really do. I wish she believed that too.

RUMORS

Something I dislike much more than assumptions are rumors. Then I guess those things kind of run along the same line. Rumors not only hurt the subject but they hurt everything all together. It breaks trusts, confidence, integrity, relationships, feelings and dreams. What is a rumor? According to Merriam-Webster Online, 1 : talk or opinion widely disseminated with no discernible source; 2 : a statement or report current without known authority for its truth; 3 archaic : talk or report of a notable person or event; and my favorite… 4 : a soft low indistinct sound : murmur. Yeah, you know what that is… whispering to another person “don’t say anything but I heard….”

I guess another word for murmuring is gossip. What is that? You do not do that? That is what people say yet time and time again they proceed to create stories to try and make others look bad when all they are doing is ruining their own trustworthiness and worse, destroying their own reputation. I would love to see someone with a rumor try and submit it in court. It would never flow. What are the facts? Got them? Made them up?

Why are some people so full of hate that they do not realize all that negative emotion is literally making them blind to the truth. You say a lie, after lie, after lie that you no longer could tell what is the truth. Oh wait, I know you heard it from your best friend since kindergarten and they would never lie to you right? Wait, wait, hold up you heard it from the one you are obsessed with *cough* mean are in love with for eternity. Better yet, you feel it in your gut. Not in the Spirit of the Lord but in your gut where all the sadness and loneliness of ones depressed thoughts lay to rest.

I was a drama major so forgive me if this is coming out so dramatic. And those of you who encouraged me to write again and blog and express my creative juices again, thanks. I am having such an awesome and artistic moment.
Hopefully you have read up to this part so far. If you have, then great. This is the best part of my observations (for the moment). What does God have to say about it? Have you ever thought for once what God wants you to do and stop for a slight moment to realize that absolutely nothing that you can accomplish in life is about you? I mean if you claim to want to serve the Lord with all of your heart and all of your soul and all of your mind and all of your entire being, why aren't you?

What does God say about gossipers? God says that if you are a gossiper then you are a perverse person. Don’t believe me? Look it up yourself, Proverbs 16:28 A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends. Perverse sounds bad right? OK, let’s see what the dictionary says about that. 1 a: turned away from what is right or good: corrupt b: improper, incorrect . However do not get angry with these people. Jesus says in Matt 5:And do not be angry with those that hurt you. Pray for them The bible says in Matt 5:44 ...Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. 44… Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.

You Have A Pretty Face

I am in the worst mood today. It is not because I came back to work today after vacation and a sick day. Which by the way, I was really sick. It was not a fake sick day. I felt horrible. Maybe that is why I had a horrible day. I am in a “witchy” mood. I feel I could snap at anyone but I will not. That would only make me get into a worse mood. I am about to go to church. I do miss my youth group. One of them “Facebooked” me and stated that she needed to talk to me. I will do that after service. So that means a long night.

I was thinking of beauty. My silly friend from the Bronx placed a funny status on his page that made me think how shallow some people can be. Or, how logical one can get? Can one get too logical to the point that their mind does not open to other means of thought or opinion or perspective? Is that being shallow? Maybe shallow is not the word I want. Possibly it is being narrow minded. Anyway, is beauty not in the eye of the beholder? I was told by good looking man that I have a very pretty face and a beautiful heart. Wonderful words from the wrong person. He’s taken. Many of my married male friends state that I am an awesome catch. I know Debbie is going to read this and she is going to say that I am “adorable”. I do believe that you really believe that and are not just saying it. I embrace all of the above without carrying around a big head. I just went through a miracle in my life; a miracle of healing and that has given me such an awesome self esteem. I always had a good esteem but this time around it is different. I will post my testimony of my miracle in a near future post. In the meantime, back to what I was saying.

There are people who find me beautiful, awesome, wonderful, amazing, funny, talented…adorable. I even get the “I love you’s” and the “I want to see you’s” and my favorite from my nephews, “Titi you are the bomb and a bag of chips”. I respond, “That’s right my babies, that’s right”. I am blessed. I am grateful. It is a privilege to be loved in such a manner. It is humbling really. However, I’ve yet to here it as I so desire.

But I am happy that I am loved with the eyes and the heart and from my Father up above.

Contemplating Possibilities...

I am back from vacation. Well I was back yesterday afternoon but you know how it is. One needs a vacation after coming back from vacation. So today is my last day of my first week of vacation this year. I have another week coming up next month; four days after Labor Day and one day on my birthday. I think it's going to be a stay-cation. Maybe I'll take some small day trips and re-organize certain aspects of my life. Today I am home relaxing and catching up with rest to be able to face work in the AM. But that is not what I am writing about. I need to write down my feelings about certain things that have happened in my life. I am not recording it in any order. They will happen when they are suppose to happen. Some started and are in motion.

• Starting on my masters
• Exciting new position with the Education Department
• Friends again with SZ
• Another pastoral position interview
• My last year as a 30 something
• Revamping BeAttitudes Drama Group
• My niece's 1st birthday
• My other vacation
  
• and more; will share later
  

So that is what I am looking forward to upcoming season on the calendar and in my life.